MOTHER'S MILK WORLD

Move Out Day! "To love means to embrace & at the same time to withstand many many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship"   Clarissa Pinkola Estés (Women Who Run With The Wolves) I was recently speaking with a friend of mine about raising our sons.  Our boys are on the precipice of crossing over into young adulthood.  Roaming the world with less of a tether...making their own decisions... Somedays I wish I could somehow put my son back in my belly.  Somedays more than others, I wish for this extreme unrealistic regression because at least when he was in my belly; he was tucked in that protective pouch filled with fluid to pad him from any jarring experiences.  I wish I could protect him from EVERY bump, ditch, divet, tsunami, tidal wave, earthquake type of trauma...but I can't and those times where all I can do is be a place for him to lay his burden down and soak up is pain filled tears...I squeeze him with all might in hopes that my arms and

When you finally have the opportunity to climb out of the quicksand of your past & stand firmly on the ground that is your present...celebrate it!     Moira Rose (Yes, from Schitt's Creek). I've spent this last week nursing a cold and emotionally navigating all that is overwhelming, new, out of my control, unfinished business, regret, consequences, death, financial loopdeloops & everything else that comes in a stew of living, mental health challenges & a topper of a planet or five in retrograde.  Needless to say, it's been quite the emotional adventurous week:)!   I started it off on Sunday communing with my mother & my auntie who just passed a few weeks ago and then last week my sweet niece in Zambia had a baby and he didn't make it.  I don't think I realized how sad I was about my Auntie & my grand nephew until that Sunday morning...that day.  All the messaging I was receiving that morning/day was relenting to my heartache, releasing and rene

NYC-Embracing & Letting Go of This Skin  I 've  been desperately holding on to old shedding skins.  Skin that has puckered and worn out.  Skin that is snug in all the wrong places and increasingly more and more uncomfortable.  Skin that no longer serves me and is completely unrecognizable.  Skin that I've been terrified to let go of and allow to decompose because the new just felt/feels terrifying.  The new feels/felt so different.  I'm not even sure how to wear it or even approach this skin.  What part of me do I dress/address first...Do I start with putting it on from my head or my feet?  Or do I put it on like a front button down dress with at least 100 buttons that need attention?  I'm not sure how to wear this new skin.  I'm not sure how to approach this new skin,  so I've isolated myself more  than ever.  I've hid myself away but I find myself seeking to connect and be held; be in spaces with more than just me & this ill-fitting version of myse

Dear 2018, I didn't greet you with vision and strength.  My resolutions barely full words, only letters tethered together out of obligation to other's expectation.  I was barely holding on to myself at that time, let alone ideas of a self I was supposed to resolve to work toward. All I knew was that I needed to get up for the sake of my son.  I had to get up to make sure he was getting everything he needed and that I supported his life...When he wasn't present, I was no where near present for my life.  I actively stopped showing up for myself.  The latter part of last year and much of this year is when my disappearance started to become noticeable.  I lost friends and what feels like a multitude of opportunities.   It was quite difficult to face folks anymore.  How was I supposed to explain myself when my words were stifled by pain & shame.  As much as I tried to be present for my son, he unfortunately felt my vacancy...Every time I left my being in desperation to dis

Jessica Hampton Mother - Daughter - WOMAN  She was on the Red Line train in the middle of the day this past June.  25 year old young woman Jessica Hampton, whom I read was working incredibly hard to get her life together.  She was learning to love herself again. She stopped drinking and was probably thinking of what her next steps to living her best life with & for her daughter who she has left behind...a six year old daughter. Jessica Hampton was loved by many.  She was on her way somewhere and she shook her head no to him and he stabbed her multiple times.  No one stepped in to help her.  People screamed and ran in the opposite direction.  People videotaped her death and took in her demise through a lens and did not step in to stop it. Like many women, she found herself with a man whose intentions for her ended up being violence at all costs.  This individual has gone to jail for this crime against a woman who simply said no to him and yes to herself.  Jessica's daught

I woke up this morning with Bresha Meadows on my heart.  I was wondering what she was going through right now.  What it took for her to be pushed to her breaking point.  At the tender age of 14, she gathered everything inside of her to pick up her father's gun...the same tool her father handily used to terrorize Bresha, her sisters and her mother, and shoot her father.  Her 14 years of unrest, trauma and horrific home-life gave her all that she needed to stop the destruction the man she was supposed to look to for love and protection caused. She loved, served and protected her family in their time of need...So the question so many are asking, where was her mother?  Why couldn't she be the one to stop the violence?  Why couldn't she remove her family from the hell that her husband cause?  I know I initially asked these questions.  I wondered why, as a mother, she could allow ANYONE to hurt her children.  As I cried over her daughter's plight, my questioning Brandi'