Tuesday, May 1, 2018

2018 Reentry...Fighting My Way Back

Dear 2018, I didn't greet you with vision and strength.  My resolutions barely full words, only letters tethered together out of obligation to other's expectation.  I was barely holding on to myself at that time, let alone ideas of a self I was supposed to resolve to work toward. All I knew was that I needed to get up for the sake of my son.  I had to get up to make sure he was getting everything he needed and that I supported his life...When he wasn't present, I was no where near present for my life.  I actively stopped showing up for myself.  The latter part of last year and much of this year is when my disappearance started to become noticeable.  I lost friends and what feels like a multitude of opportunities.   It was quite difficult to face folks anymore.  How was I supposed to explain myself when my words were stifled by pain & shame. 

As much as I tried to be present for my son, he unfortunately felt my vacancy...Every time I left my being in desperation to disconnect from pain & shame, I didn't realize not all of me was coming back.  I was becoming a shell of myself.  I didn't realize how much my son was witnessing & feeling my continuous spiral into an abyss of utter dispair.  I didn't realize how steeped into my sadness he was until he was inspired to write a poem about it... A poem he performed on a stage with so much love and power...It took me a moment to process the words he was saying.  It took me a moment to truly get that he was entrenched in my pain...It took me a moment to realize he was throwing me a life-preserver.  He was me through his eyes.  I'm still reeling from his words.  It was my wake up call to presence myself and get to living. Get back to my purpose.  I love him and thank him for seeing me and reminding me who I am...I''m also grateful for the friends that have patiently loved me and held me up and caught my tears and continually shared their highest most powerful and beautiful visions of me until I could start visioning myself in that same way.

So today, May 1, 2018 I'm vowing to be present to my life.  I'm vowing to not judge my faltering moments, because I will have many, but vow to show up nonetheless.  Today, May 1st i'm picking up my highest vision for myself and not seeing it as weight to crumble under but a foundation to step up and into my destiny. 

Today I vow to not shut the world out but reach out for help & support.  Isolation is a scary, lonely and deceptive place to be.  I vow to be unapologetic with my pain because I know its a process and check my shame because I no longer want to let shame be the leading emotion in my head and my being.  I vow to see 2018 through smiling eyes, a fed spirit encased in a fallible but yet resilient human experience.  So 2018, i'm grateful for your grace with me...no you haven't been gentle for the most part, but you've been graceful. 

So with grace and gratitude I am fully present and accounted for. 

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