Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Picking Up Where I Left Off


Have you ever promised to do something and then dropped the ball when that moment came to fulfill your promise?  So what did you feel after that ball drop?  Did impact of that ball feel like the reverberating pain of something falling square on your big toe.   The pain doesn't just stop at your toe, it   creeps its way through your entire body.  Or was the only affect sound off the dropped ball as it rolled downhill far from earshot?

For me, it's the big toe mixed with a bouncing ball down a extremely loud hallway made of tin or some echoing material.  Okay, actually, I'm much better than I used to be, but guilt, shame, anxiety forcing me to be all vulnerable and such are more than this girl can sometimes handle.  This is something I've been working on for most if not all of my adult life.  Carrying around immense amounts of guilt and shame simply because of a missed task or engagement causing me to avoid avoid avoid...

What do you do when these moments happen for you?  I've been working on healing myself and loosing the weight of shame.  Changing the dialogue in my head to "you're such an _______" to "I forgive myself and understand that I just was not able to fulfill my promise."

This has been quite the year so far.  Filled with both broken & kept promises.  In the months that have run by not stopping long enough to allow me to get my bearings, I found a few ways to help stay in integrity not allowing myself to be in a position to drop the ball.  I put myself first, I started saying NO (kinda without guilt), and keeping my word.

So i'm picking up where I left off when I started writing this blog.  No promises, just saying.