Friday, September 11, 2015


I feel like i've been on a really long writing hiatus...well because I guess I have.  If I could only string together every single word, sentence and single paragraph that I started & stopped over the past several months/year...Strung together to make some compelling, inspired thought.

That last paragraph has been as far as I've been able to get for months...So this is me pushing myself past paragraph one.  Here goes.

Persist - I've spent much of my adult life battling myself.  Against the doubt, the self sabotage when I got to close to FINALLY getting what I wanted, the fear of not being the right person to fulfill my "grandiose" dream.  I've battled year after, month, after day, after minute after second.  I battle(d).  As my thoughts linger on the time lost, at least that was part of the narrative that left/leaves the deepest wound...How could you waste so much time in a battle you created & fueled for the slow destruction of self when you've just spent so much time & energy building & fortifying that same self?  Every battle has required me to show up, even when I thought I was shutting down & giving up.  It has taken me a while to understand that i've actually survived.  I've survived & much to my own surprise, i've persisted.

Until -those moments between stopping & persistence...Two words riddled on the path of ones journey...two words that depend highly on your emotional & sometimes physical state of being. Motivation, pain, joy, sadness, depression, anxiousness, anger, fear, peace and love and so on.  One minute you writing a detailed to do list for the week; breaking down each number with bulleted details on how to fulfill your greatest purpose...every detail feeding that feeling of excitement and motivation because you know you are getting closer to your something, so you persist because its so close persist because you feel purvey your list with pride then suddenly an overwhelming feeling of fear sets in & stops every motivating emotion in their tracks.  Suddenly the self doubt and depression flood in.  Until, all of a sudden feels like a long and never ending journey to nowhere.  Until suddenly feels like a path of most resistance...Until persists and feels like nothing will ever happen.  So what do you do...You stop...stop because that is all you can do.  Stop and be still and pray and meditate and wait until...

Something - What is something?  A baby step, a leap, a breath, a pulse, a word, a sentence, a pause all equal something.  How do we realize our purpose?  Each step, each action, each forecasting thought, each moment you decide to look at that to do list and check another box off, you start to realize that something.  You are closer to that something.  That something that confirms for you in your mind that you are closer.  That something that sometimes takes you ten steps back to persisting until...

Happens - That vision and purpose is within reach.  What do you do?  Shut down? Freeze? Fall apart?  Realizing your purpose sometimes means realizing the weight of your purpose.  So instead of reaching for the ring, your body is weighed down by how seemingly heavy your head, heart, hands, arms, legs feet, body feel to move toward things finally happening.  So you PUSH & PUSH & PUSH & PUSH & PUSH because you have the strength, the tools, the energy, the vision, the ability, the chance to breath because you finally made it happen.

I P. U. S. Hed  and I finally strung together a healing and meaningful post.  

And so it is...