Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Little Victories

Over the years, I've run into moments in my life where I've gotten caught up in macro verses the micro.  Instead of focusing on getting my footing as I make/made my way up my Kilimanjaro challenge, obstacle, moment whatever, my eyes would instead focus in on the enormity of what was/is ahead/in front of me leaving me feeling overwhelmed and defeated. 

I know, I know - "Just put one foot in front of the other" - "focus on the moment you are in" - "don't make a mountain out of a molehill" - "baby steps" etc...

What many of us do is spend our time reaching for the very out of reach top of the mountain while steadily climbing toward it ignoring every step we've painstakingly taken thus far. Ignoring these steps is so dangerous. Not accessing how far you've come already can cause you to misinterpret how close you are to attaining your goal causing  you to want to give up and let go...At least that is how I have functioned in the past, fine, and a little in the present too.

What helps me get through to myself is when I start focusing on the accomplishment at hand.   I start to embrace each of my building blocks, seeing them as individual victories.  This way of thinking gave/gives me the fuel to continue striving for the top of the mountain.  It also has helped/helps me to appreciate what each block, step, moment was/is teaching me.  

Little victories...The micro details of my journey enable the completion/accomplishment of the macro vision/goal/challenge.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

At least that is how the saying goes.  I never completely understood what the saying meant, all I knew was that if I cleaned up, God would be proud of me, at least that is how my mom sold it to me. 

I've been thinking about this saying lately, or actually, the saying has really been resonating with me lately.  As I gradually get a stronger grip on my ever evolving life, it is becoming more clear why  I was loosening my grip to begin with.  Not at all shocking is that life has been a bit overwhelming and full of barely noticeable changes as well as foundation altering ones.  Each change brought on some level of shift which caused me to loosen my grip on my own personal reality.  A few things started to happen with me.  I was loosening my grip, loosing my grit and I ultimately started loosing my focus.  Man I've been wanting to run away from my life, but since that was not an option, I started to just function to survive and not to live, really live.  Get up, take care of child, go to work, come home and do it again, that is what made sense and helped me manage what felt like an emotional free fall.  Don't worry folks, I've moved out of that space.  Getting a grip.

So going back to the title of this post, when one starts to loosen their grip, the little details of life fall to the wayside.  Working out, eating well, praying, laughing, cleaning...Each of these activities give us clarity on different levels.  Working out...purges toxins from your system through sweat...Eating well...feeds your body and keeps toxins at bay, by building helping to build your immune system...praying - strengthens and feeds your soul and clears the spiritual house...laughing - it feels good and lifts your spirits, cleaning out the emotional grime and build up...Cleaning - a clean home, workspace, car or whatever physical space that is associated with you can help you function at your highest vibration or self.  All of these actions get you to closer to your highest self, your best self, also known as your God/Self..

Cleanliness = God = Clarity = A firm grip on all the changes (big & small).

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Reason # 1 billion & 2, why I love Thanksgiving. Time...

Just finished working on vision boards with my son.  We've been threatening to do this forever, but life continued to occupy every hour of the day.  

I know, my "what I am thankful for this thanksgiving" blog entry is showing a up a few days later because, well, I took the time out to spend with me, my son, my home, my spirit etc.  I had time to just be.  What a great thing!

So yes, I am thankful for having the time to sit down with my son and share each others visions in the form of a collage.  I've heard people say that we should treat our lives like a business.  If you live it all willy-nilly without a plan or a purpose, who knows if you will ever get to live your purpose; If you choose to have a plan and a vision for what you want your life to look like, you more than likely will get to the point where you live your very best purpose filled life.  Damn I wish I had that nugget of knowledge much sooner in life...

I guess what matters is that I get it now and I am sharing it with my 11 year old boy.  Doing this with my son created an opportunity for a dialouge that fed both our curiosities about each other.  This also gave us the fodder to support each other's visions.  Yes, I know he is a kid, but he has dreams and visions of what he wants his life to be.  That vision of life that is so idealistic and without any possible boundaries.  His dreams are still technicolor and boundless.  My boy has an unobstructed view of his best life ever!  Compared to mine...a bit jaded and dipped in way to much reality.

Doing our vision boards together forced me lighten up a bit and believe in the universe, God to bless my hearts desires.

I'm thankful...very thankful...for this time.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

And We're Off!

Wow, October came and went in wharp speed.  It felt like one second I taking in the gradual changing of leaves and the next I was crunching those same leaves underfoot while trick-or-treating with my kid.  During that wharped reality, I spent many hours working, running around, working, catching glimpses of my son (glimpses only because I was working!) and working again.  My day job kinda consumed so much of my life that I put down my dreams and or purpose.  I stopped taking care of myself too.  No gym, prayer, meditation, eating well or sleep...Just work.

So what have I realized during this self imposed hiatus from myself?  That I suddenly felt incredibly lost.  I stopped checking in with my higher self and because I stopped that simple routine of checking in, I started questioning everything.  Questioning my life and prayers and wondering how on earth I was going to make it through to the otherside of the frenetic spell.   How could I get organized?  What was my next move?  Do I really deserve all the good tidings come my way?  Am I really the right person for the job? On and on and on...questioning every part of my existence.  Why, because I was to busy to stop and  check in with my higher self  which could have been benefiting my mental, spiritual and physcial self during this time.

But I'm too busy and tired!  Sad statement, but that is/was my mantra, my chant during this time and every other time my life got/gets overwhelming.  The mantra really needs to be something like "Stop, i'm famished feed me...mind, body and spirit."  Well, i'm gradually getting back on track and I'm feeling so much better.   So much more clarity, so much more direction...I can and will spend more time in November loving my son and myself.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

When The Universe Calls.....Answer!

This or something better...At least that is what I would love to believe or need to believe as my truth to continue to have faith in the unknown future. Think about it, all you have is hard work, small to no results and encouraging words. And if you are really on the right emotional path you sometimes get that anxious feeling that resides deep your belly. Really?!

So then it happens, the universe answers.  It's never anything outright though.  It usually shows up in the form of multiple choice situations.  (a) Do X and leave Y, although X is new, it could maybe be the best decision you ever made...or not (b) Although X sounds good, Y is what you really need to do because, it's just cool or at least that is what everyone else keeps telling you. (c) Do nothing, shut down or retreat and run like hell!  Okay, so (c) is not always the best option, but it is the most consistent option.  (a) & (b) more often than not present themselves in different ways, yet (c), well (c) is forever there.

I think what happens is that there are times when you are completely prepared to choose and then there are those times when you are overwhelmed by your choices.  I know you asked for it, but being ready for what you asked for when it shows up is different then when you are simply having a moment and saying"God I really want...."  The moment you actually get to experience your wishes and dreams come to pass, the feelings you have aren't always to run and embrace them initially.  It can feel so unreal because you know that you've worked your tail off, toiled, cried and prayed for it for so long and then it shows up...In different forms though.  The multiple choice I spoke about earlier.

About that multiple choice, I think it's the Universe or God's way of making sure you really know what you want.  To make sure you are paying attention to the details of the life that you have been begging for. Maybe it is also God's way of giving you the option to choose an okay life or a spectacular one...

Monday, September 12, 2011

Accept the magnitude of your function...

Yes, I'm going there, I'm about quote Oprah, actually, I'm quoting Marianne Williamson's words to Oprah:

"Until you accept the magnitude of your function, Your unconscious mind will sabotage any attempt to your full magnificence.  Your self concept has to match your manifestation or else the manifestation is doomed.  

Shift your core belief about who or what you are..."

Looking back through all my previous posts, I know I've written about everything from self forgiveness to sabotage etc...All with good intentions for each reader as well as myself.  Well, if I'm really going to be honest, these posts have been more about my own personal journey as I trip through and to my highest self.  I guess I share them with you for assurance that I am not alone and my mishaps and victories are experiences so many others have had or are in the midst of having...simply put, support.

Every word I've written and action I've taken to get to know self can and will continue to evaporate with the morning dew, if I never accept my purpose/function and it's magnitude.  WOW!   

So, no matter how much I find myself verbalizing my change or  even have the opportunity to  manifest every dream in my heart, until I can accept myself in my highest form, I will constantly live in a space of self sabotage.  

I have worked hard on my inner and outer self.  I am more proud of the woman that I have become than I have been in a very long time.  I feel good about the direction I am heading in, but are my manifestations matching my true self concept?   

 Over the last few years, I lost a decent amount of weight and I felt great...The crazy par of all this is that I was feeling guilty.  Not all the people around me were on the self care page and I felt bad, like I was upstaging them.  I was uncomfortable with the positive/new attention I was receiving from men and all sorts of "you inspire me" or "because of you I'm making changes" from women. So for the last 6 or so weeks, I ate everything in sight and worked out a whole lot less.  I came up with tons of excuses to not workout and even more as to why that 2nd/3rd helping was no big deal.  10lbs. later, I'm over feeling like crap and annoyed with myself.  So why did I do this?  My self concept was not matching my manifestation...What is the solution?  Self care and acceptance of my magnitude.  Acceptance of my higher purpose.  

The upside is that I have stopped my sabotage and am working to get back on track.  I wouldn't have done that some years ago.  Hell, I wouldn't be sharing this with anyone.  I think I'm heading down the right road to this place of magnificence.  

In the meantime, I need to reinforce my core,because shift seems to be happening...

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Visionary Plan

So now that your puppet strings have been cut, by you or someone else, what's next?  My guess would be learning to walk on your own again for starters.  Because once upon a time you did.  For me, I was walking and running on my own in my twenties.  I was excited by my own destiny.  I got to create that and it was okay.  I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but there was a point where I started to doubt my ability to make things happen.

I started to doubt who I was and what I was capable of, so I put my fate and destiny in the hands of a large corporation.  I started to depend on this corporation to tell me where I needed to be in life and how they were going to make that happen for me.  The problem has been though, that their idea of my success verses my idea of my success are completely different.  See, they have had a business plan and a vision of what their future of their business looked like and although my name was/is not written in the original business plan, what I had to offer was definitely in the plan.  Hmmm...

This has got me thinking, why don't I have a business plan for my own life?  What can I do to ensure that I  attract the right energy, people or whatever it is I need to my life to fulfill my personal life goals.  No, i'm not saying sit down and write a full blown million word business plan, i'm thinking more like a vision board.  I've done a few before and found them to be a great tool of inspiration for whatever it is that I was wishing for.

A good plan if I say so myself.  Visualize the future what you want by creating a collage of what you really want.  Visualize by not only laying it all out, but by meditating and praying about it.  Getting a true picture of what you want makes it possible to have a successful plan that can help all your dreams come into fruition.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Puppeteer or Puppet?

It's been an emotionally jarring week for me.  A very large group of people whom I've grown to care about and have worked with for years were released from their duties at the corporate conglomerate that I am still employed by.  Many of us knew it was coming and we knew it would be large, but wow there was nothing that could prepare us for the wave of emotional horror.  Sadness, anger, more sadness, relief, fear, hate, sadness, confusion, fear, sadness, relief and so forth and so on times a 1000.

Well, like with just about anything that is traumatic, people congregated at the local watering hole to commiserate...drinking and eating and laughing and crying and hugging all the while feeling dazed and confused at what the future possibly held.

The conversations over and over again were about next steps.  The answers varied...Going to Paris, moving out of state, going back to school, cleaning up the resume and joining linked in and the list went on...The interesting thing was this was not just a conversation with the freshly unemployed it was held even by the ones that still had an active key card.

So what prompts these conversations?  I guess like any moment of forced change, we find ourselves doing our best to regain control of our destiny.  Forced changed holds the mirror up to the puppet strings that on occasion felt like a nuisance, but for the most part felt very supportive.  These moments when the puppeteer decides to cut off the strings and disassociate, you really find yourself questioning your life.

What point did I hand over the strings to my life?  Is it that I'm terrified to start being the puppeteer in my own life?  Maybe it's the little people who depend on every decision you make or the decisions you have to make are overwhelming and daunting.  Why not let someone else take control?  Maybe you take another chance with a puppeteer who might be kind enough to hold on to you until you are ready to be released? Or maybe you decide to take a chance and control your own life?   Seriously, what the hell do you do?  Puppet or Puppeteer?

Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Present is A Present...Be Open to It/Open it!

The past is history, so why do we hold on to it so intensely?  Why on Earth do we let it control so much of the who what where and why in our lives?  The future is a mystery, yet we bet everything on it and hope and pray that we are right or in some cases wrong about it.  And while we wrack our brains with how to fix our past so our future will not be the same, we forget about the present which to complete the quote - this very moment is a gift.  So then why do we have such a hard time focusing on the gift of the present?  I mean, here we are, living in a moment that was not promised to us yet we spend most of that moment desperately looking over our shoulder for ghosts of our past while diligently working to avoid them in the future all the while forgetting the present moment that we are so blessed to be in. 
I think the challenge of the present is that we have to deal with the ick or consequences from the past so that our future does not continue you to be a pain in the neck from constantly looking back. The truth of the matter is that sometimes the consequences of the present are a little much to deal with and we avoid them at all cost.  The present is a gift and that is why it is called a present.  The gift of the now is that god/universe has given you another opportunity to elevate your existence to your desired potential.   

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Worthy, Who Me?

I am worthy.  I...AM...WORTHY!  Such a simple statement, yet it has taken me much of my life to realize this about myself.  That previously mentioned sabotage machine that always seems to be fueled and ready at any given time, well besides fear, this machine is fueled by my lack of self worth.  Occasional internal dialogue when I was particularly low: "Why are you pushing so hard?, it never works out for you, truth is, what makes you so special? You really aren't worthy of what you are working for."

Sorry, I didn't mean to take you so deep into my head, but it helps make the point and I'm not so lost or feeling that low anymore.   I've come a very long way, but with any freshly healed wound, a wrong move or extra pressure can reopen it and healing has to start all over again.  The upside of reopened wounds is that they are rarely as deep at they originally were because of the deep healing that has already taken place.

Okay, so let's get back to feeling worthy and the many challenges that come with it.  Self worth is something that from birth needs to be nourished from birth.  Letting a baby or child know how worthy of life it is by loving, hugging and kissing them and sacrificing for their well-being lays the foundation.  Unfortunately, all the love and sacrifice that has been put into this little being to create a bubble of self worth can be instantly undone with one bad encounter which ends up having enough impact causing a lifelong affect.

I am worthy...I think, or at least that is what I want for myself is to be worthy of all these wants and desires that fill my being.  How do I live up to these wants and desires?  I guess I start by nourishing what has been starved by slowly nourishing my self worth.  So, I just start from the top of the list, taking one want and desire at a time.  Telling myself every step of the way that I am worthy, that God did pick the right person to fulfill this desire or  I AM WORTHY!

Nourish Nurture Sustain Build ~ Mother's Milk


Monday, July 25, 2011

Oh The Layers...

Layers and layers and layers and layers...peeling back one after another working like hell to get to the core. What i'm finding out is that the layers are less like onion layers and more like a globe of garlic having to peel each clove individually. As soon as you have handled the thin outer layer of an onion, you are at least able to have an overview of what is yet to come with not as many surprises. A Globe of garlic on the other hand requires a surprise in every clove. Perfect and full of flavor or bruised, dry and barely recognizable.

So when I wrote my last post proclaiming independence, I had just peeled the perfect clove. It symbolized the great change that I was going through. I was embracing the change. Life was on a real upswing. Breathe...then I felt strong enough to break off another clove anxiously but meticulously peeling off skin only to discover a rotting interior. I take my own advice from previous posts to stop, drop and pray...kinda. Meaning, I stopped (when it was time for bed, I closed my eyes thanked God for my day and fell asleep). So instead of refueling adequately to deal with the next clove, I was left open and vulnerable for a possible setback.

It's taken me a very long time to openly express myself through my written words and even longer to share them publicly. I am proud of this, but the setbacks can be a bit disorienting. Not sure if any of you have had these feelings of finally forging ahead and making ridiculous headway only to be dragged way back to a place you thought you handled once upon a time way back when. I think i've come to the conclusion that it is about going back in time to deal with the ick from the past that is embedded in your foundation stifling healthy growth, at least that is my assessment. All I can do is continue moving forward and arm myself with a more fertile solid foundation so I can continue to foster a healthy core or cloves.


Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Pardon my silence, I have been in the process of finding the road to my own personal independence...again. I think i'm frustrated because I keep making wrong turns. Going left when I should have gone right, making a u-turn when I should have trusted the direction I was going in the first place. This road continues to prove more and more challenging the more I start to realize my potential. The more I become uncomfortable with the status quo. The truth is, I've been spending a lot of time working on me so that we (my family & I) can live a bit more freely, more independently from the constraints of middle class bondage. I get that my struggle is not as tough as many, but man it still is really really really HARD at times. My unpaved occasionally rocky road is putting holes in my shoes, so the last couple weeks of this writing hiatus has been spent sitting at the merge of a fork in the road. Not doing anything, just being. Not thinking or lamenting, just stopping and accessing it all. Taking it all in. Taking off the blinders so I can really see my life for what it is or isn't at this time. So I stare at this fork in the road and am figuring out what direction is best to take to get me to the road leading to my fullest potential.

Just took a deep breath...I think it might just about time to stand up and keep it moving.

Happy Road to Independence...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

When Life Gives You Chaos... Create Process

I feel like so many things have been coming my way like rapid fire. I think that is what happens with growth, the Universe realizes you can handle things and decides to gift you with all sorts of exciting and new projects. The funny thing about these projects is that when you are feeling strong enough to carry the weight of the world, you can knock out your to do list 2 to 3 tasks at a time feeling fueled by the completion of it all. So what do you do when the weight becomes to heavy to bear? Well, some people drop it and others carry it until it almost takes them out. Either way, certain things end up falling through the cracks or lost in the shuffle and chaos ensues. Chaos because all those little things although small can form a funnel cloud of details that can destroy every little bit of work that you had already done. Scary!

Put down the weight even if it feels like it's making you stronger, and create your process so you avoid the chaos. What does that look like for you? For me, at least right now, it is about looking at everything individually verses wholly and prioritizing what you needs to have happen verses what others deem important. I have been visualizing each task as if it was a step or two leading me toward the finish that I have found so elusive for so long. I've been looking at everything that is in need of my attention and giving it attention singularly. It seems to be working, because I am getting things done. Things don't feel so heavy and weighted down. I don't feel like i'm gasping for air. I feel like I am actually going fulfill my goals, really...finally...I exhale

Monday, June 13, 2011

Where Are My Welcome Packets?

Looking through my files, I've found multiple folders in varying colors all containing pages upon pages of yellowing paper welcoming me to be a part of something that I chose to be a part of. Whether it be a new job, an elite group, health club or some credit card, I would receive a step by step instructional packet of what I could should expect from being one of the chosen few to reap the benefits. "Welcome to our state of the art health club!" "Thank you for being a team player with The BEST Agency, please read on to understand your role." "Welcome to insert credit card company name here, read on to get a more complete picture of our membership rules...don't forget the small print and oh, here is an 800 number you can call to get an answer or any and all of your questions."

Well, for the last twenty plus years, I have been looking all over the place for my welcome to life packet or better yet, welcome to adulthood, or welcome to motherhood or the surprise, welcome to suddenly getting grey in unexpected areas or the exclusive, welcome to OMG, i'm over 4o and still waiting for the love of my life club"...I could go on and on. Yeah, I know i've been looking for those packets in vain, but you can't blame a girl for dream, can you?

According to some cultures, we choose our parents, in others we are cast into our families, whatever the route we take to get here, we are subjected to traditions we are born into and the consequences of the choices our parents make on our behalf. Those choices inevitably create the foundation that affects how we navigate the ins and outs of our lives. You need examples...Let's say you are born into a family steeped in it's traditional culture and because of that culture, you are to follow said rules and live your life much like your parents, grandparents and ancestors before you. Easy enough. So you do what you are told through the adolescent years and barely survive the teenage years and early twenties, but you do. You look to your family as a template of how to then move into adulthood, the only problem is, steps 24-35+ are not only not the same as your family's, but they are out of order and written in shorthand! So then you try with everything in you to fix what is different, but realize after years of trying to get your life back in the "proper" order, the rules don't seem to apply to you anymore. Here is where the foundation laid at birth comes into play. Do you continue to fight to fit into this familial template that now feels like a vice because you don't want to be the one to break any traditions, or do you create a new beginning for yourself knowing what you could possibly loose? Complicated, right!?!

The thing is, it doesn't matter the scenario, there is a point in all of our lives when we stop and realize although we might have been raised a certain way, our lives are our own to live, at least in most cultures. So many people in the world, especially women, are subject to their culture and living their own life becomes a life or death issue.

For those of us who have the prerogative to live our lives the way we choose to, I think our challenge comes when the rules are amended. Where did I put that Welcome Packet!? We try to figure out who to go to and what to ask and is this the best decision for this situation? The rules changed and I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me? If I decide on B, will A & C still be available if I change my mind? Where is my welcome packet? Where do I sign, because this is just a bit harder than I thought. How affected will my life be if I change everything right now? Did I really just adjust my whole life with this one decision? Now what? I guess you just do it! Just stop asking how to live it and just live it. Well, at least that is what I keep telling myself.

What is satisfying though is when you do choose B, and your family cosigns your decision. Even goes as far as telling you they are proud of you!

Nourish Nurture Sustain & Build ~ Mother's Milk

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Dear God...

Today is another successful day. Today I am spiritually grounded and my feeling of love is palpable. Today I do above and beyond my own expectations. Today is good...I am connected to everything and everyone. I am love. I can love fully and understand the meaning of it all. Actually, I'm not sure if I completely understand the meaning of love, but I do love, I can love.

God, squeeze my hand when I walk, so I may walk courageously through this day. I have so many behind me, there is no reason to feel less than anything but loved. Stellar!

Feel loved today, feel courageous today, feel supported today!


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

String Section

Good evening folks. I am full of all sorts of emotion as usual, but feeling more solid. My emotions feel like they are like strings on a guitar, they need tuning- tightening, loosening, changing, strumming. They snap when played to aggressively and fray from over usage.

There are a few key things that can ensure the strings are getting the best possible usage, care however you want to think of it...The guitar itself should be solid, sturdy and in all around good condition; the owner, caretaker, player should have a full understanding of the ins and outs of the guitar as a whole as well as a loving connection.

A few posts prior I spoke of waking up in the AM and loving on myself, and connecting with my spiritual center with prayer and meditation. I noticed, on the days when I consecutively connected and loved on me first thing in the AM, I felt strong, centered and in harmony with my emotional carriage.

I fell off the morning spiritual love me fest and found myself completely out of tune. So much so, I physically became ill, coincidentally with a head cold. I basically left my guitar in the hands of my carnal self. Well, we see those results weren't conducive to harmonious living now were they... So in hopes of getting my proverbial strings tuned, I started praying, meditating,exercising and eating right. I can confidently state that my emotional strings are feeling more secure with the body and is safely back in the arms of my higher self, my spiritual guide, God, Allah, Yeshua, Buddah.

This is not a simple journey whatsoever! I just know that I need to be on it and really present. Not just physically, but emotionally present. My strings are tuned up and ready. Strummed by my spiritual self with complete and utter guidance and support from my higher self, or whom I called God.

Nourish Nurture Sustain Build ~ Mother's Milk

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Handy Dandy Self-Sabotage Machine

It's been to long since i've written last, trust me I know. I'm sorry about that. Really sorry to myself for giving in again to my handy dandy self-sabotage machine. I call it handy because it is always ready and available to take me down. It starts with this back and forth conversation with myself which, lucky me, is replayed over and over again in my head. "You've been here before and it is way to hard for you to get past this part, you can't do this." I wish that I was making that up, but that is a real sentence; a real feeling; a real mental recording that has lodged itself in my memory bank causing a complete and utter battleground in my head!

I've prayed, meditated, gone to therapy about this amazing ability of mine to sabotage myself right when I am about to make an astounding breakthrough. I look at it, smile and then do my best to pour salt over it all. I come so close. So close the universe starts giving me motivating nuggets, like people around me wanting to help me or friends who have realized their accomplishments/dreams inviting me to celebrate their journeys all the while cheering me on. I've been so close so many times. So close it felt like a dewy morning, smelling the morning mist, feeling it on my skin, but as soon as the sun comes up, the dew disappears like it never existed elusive and tragic at times.

See how it sounds like a well oiled machine? Ready to work whenever I feel an ounce of confidence and self assurance. It knows when to turn on and exactly what buttons to push to shut me down. What bums me out is that I haven't completely blow this damn machine to bits! I know I am a smart and able minded individual, so what's the deal? Why do I keep running up against this machine?

I am posting this to expose the Self Sabotage Machine! Exposing it in the hopes of breaking it down. If I share my problem, it doesn't feel as insurmountable. If I share this in a different kind of way by writing it, I can take away it's least I hope I can.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Oprah Affect

These last few days, I've been as mesmerized and moved as Oprah has appeared to be, during the beautifully thought out presentation of the effects of the last 25 years of her life. Being praised and applauded over and over again simply because she answered her call to destiny. She stood speechless and humbled. Living her purpose had caused an indomitable ripple affect, a tidal wave of sorts, only incomprehensibly more massive.

On several occasions, she clutched her heart acknowledging that overwhelming emotion welling up inside her. Personally, I think it was God wrapping his arms around her and whispering "this was my vision for you. This is who I always knew you to be." Powerful!

All this got me thinking about my own purpose, power and legacy. No, my stage is no where near the size of Oprah's, but then once upon a time, Oprah's own stage paled in comparison to her stage now. The thing is, I was so moved by her ripple affect that it prompted me to want to cause my own or at least be more purposeful with it. Being a social human being, I know that I have affected some people who have crossed my path, and I also know those times I was most purposeful coincided with the times in my life that I was living with a sense of purpose and power feeding my legacy.

This seems to connect or confirm and connect some, if not all of my previous posts - Understand my power and embrace it, love myself flaws and all, keep it moving forward regardless of the twists and turns my relationships my take, build my bridge (stage) to success with my past failures and don't judge, but allow myself to let my hair down when I need to. I believe I am finally on the right track. I am inspired and have been affected by Oprah.

My mantra, besides me loving myself, is, quoting Tyler Perry as he spoke about Oprah at her celebration
"pushing her destiny to it's boundaries with the wind of God to her back!"
I am ready to finally create the "Ida Affect!"

Nourish Nurture Sustain & Build ~ Mother's Milk

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Thirtysomething & Hungover

Ugh..not the best way to start a post, but that is how i'm feeling. The issue is that I tied one on this past weekend and i'm still feeling the residual effects of the alcohol eating away at my liver. Yes, I am way over twentydumbthing and I should know better than to make such a rookie mistake of not eating well before indulging, but I got caught up in the moment. I got caught up in the uninhibited, let my hair down, feeling free because nobody was watching except for those folks whose hair I might be tripped on. I simply got caught up. So why my ugh? I guess because I feel like I wasted a day trying to recover from my rookie mistake am feeling like this journey I am on had a bit of a set back this weekend. I am human and although I might have been over-served, I was obviously in desperate need of a break a serious mental break and I took one, but at what cost? I think that is why I am stuck at UGH because I wasted a day trying to recover verses actually resting and feeding my mind body and soul what it really needed.

UGH! A little setback, a little twentydumbthing moment. Is it okay to have these moments at my age? To quote my mother "you chose to be a mother, you are not allowed to drink anymore!" Okay, I know that is extreme, she is my mother, she is supposed to be extreme, but is there an aspect what she is saying true? Am I not supposed to really not let my hair down or loose control and drop the ball because I am thirtysomething, a female or a mom? Is that why I am feeling so ugh, because I am not supposed to really loose control at this stage in my life?

What I do know right now is that between naps I was plagued with thoughts of things I should have been doing at those moments - cleaning, writing, researching, praying, exercising and so forth and so on and so on...I managed to clean a touch, pray a little and well, you are reading my writing. Maybe I need to stop punishing myself then. Maybe I need to actually accept that I had a great time and that binge drinking isn't a regular occurrence.

I am a thirty nine year old mom who had a few to many and it's okay. I will wake up in the morning and be very proud of my journey thus far and cheers to to the next uninhibited moment.

Nourish Nurture Sustain Build ~ Mother's Milk

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Failure is Not Final

Such a simple statement, yet so profound, life changing even. A simple statement a co worker of mine made while sharing a story about his son who, by the way was telling his dad how that simple statement he made to him years prior was what seemed to always bring him back to his center.

Failure is not final...So I get up everyday and do what I am supposed to do - wake up, shower, dress, make sure my kid is showered, dressed, fed and prepared for the day ahead, while I do the same for work. That is what i'm supposed to do. Yup, a run-on sentence that defines my day to day life of what is supposed to be. It's easy to do this daily dance because I am supposed to; the world expects it, so it is easy to fulfill. Failure is not really an option - I'm expected to work and be a mother. It's the responsible thing to do.

So let's discuss what I yearn to do, my personal expectations and make that simple statement...failure is not final...Why has getting to that finish line of projects A-Z been so elusive, so challenging? Why have I felt like every time God has given me some amazing gift to water and grow, I've let it die or given it away since God obviously made a mistake in choosing me for this journey, I obviously wasn't worthy of the gift? So I dropped the ball...Failed.

I have failed, over and over again. Failed because I felt unworthy, dumb, silly, terrified or simply didn't care. I failed. Let me take it even further, not only did I feel like I failed, but people around me that knew me and loved me saw my failures and confirmed my feelings with looks of "Oh Ida, why can't you just get it."

I am openly writing about this because I am embracing the idea that my failures have not been final. Truth be told, they have taken me deep into my head and heart exposing pieces of me that had long been stuffed down. My failures have brought me to my knees forcing me seek guidance from my higher strength. My failures have caused me to realize my worst critics, outside of myself, and my greatest supporters including myself. Hell, according to society my son was my most colossal failure. He was conceived out of wedlock therefore throwing me into the unredeemable black, single mom. Yet, this so called "failure" of mine has been the catalyst for so many successes in my life.

The fact is, my failures, I am starting to truly realize are far from final. My failures have been my stepping stones creating a bridge to my truest self.

Failure is not final...

Nourish Nurture Sustain & Build ~ Mother's Milk

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Friends & Other Revelations...

How to approach an old friendship with new eyes and heart has been a continuous challenge. This year has been particularly challenging. I have had multiple friendships change in dynamic. The change has not been negative as much as it has been painfully difficult.

So your question to me might be, why have some of your friendship's dynamics changed so much? I guess because I have changed. How I view myself is not the same and in-turn my role has been changed in those relationships, actually it has been turned on it's head. So now my very first sentence, I pose as a question. How do I approach my old friendships with new eyes and heart? This entry really doesn't have a problem/solution happening, but I guess I am hoping for support in hopes that I am doing the right thing.

I've heard that the road to self is a lonely one and boy have I had some lonely days, but I guess you can't move forward while looking backward, otherwise expect to trip and/or fall on your face, which, by the way, I have many scars and bruises on my face. Change is not easy. It's comfortable knowing what role you play in people's lives and visa versa, so when you decide to show up with changes to the script or actually decide to scrap the whole script it tends to cause a bit of trauma.

I don't want to loose friends, be traumatized or lonely, I just want to understand myself better. I want to love myself more. Why can't I just have my self love and success without having my world around me change? I guess that is part of building self - shaking up what I thought was solid foundation only to find out the material I have been using is not strong enough and/or I just might have needed another layer or two.

Nourish Nurture Sustain and Build ~ Mother's Milk

Thursday, May 12, 2011

There's No Looking Back...Right?

Good morning moms and friends,

Here I am a few days later stumbling through the process of learning to love myself…

Yup, I’m challenged, but pushing forward because I can’t look back, I don’t want to look back. This my friends, is to important. This is my chance to finally get to the other side of this fear and finally tear through the ribbon at the finish line, only to train for yet another journey, but I digress. It ain’t over till it’s over!

So let me tell you about my last couple of days of loving myself. I started Monday morning spending time with my snooze button. My tired body was in a tumultuous battle with my hungry spirit and sadly, the body won. Yes, that disappointment that just laid itself on your heart stayed present with me even after a very long and thorough shower. I lotioned myself and put on the intimates and then stopped...I thought back to the day before and the promise to love myself blindly, unconditionally and one that I did not write about - self Judgment.

Believe you/me, I had already had the “you’ve messed up again - It’s not in you -you aren’t worthy - typical of you" recording playing in my head. Well naturally the next most logical thing to do was face myself. I reluctantly approached my mirror. I fought to catch my own gaze. I discovered many new lines, freckles and hairstyle options all while avoiding my own gaze. Why was it so hard? Why was this such a challenge? I finally noticed the little freckle in the corner of my left eye forcing me to actually connect with own big brown eyes. I did it…but now I had to say the words, and mean them. What did I finally tell myself? What did I finally embrace? You are going to be just fine. Oh, by the way, I love how deep and penetrating your eyes are. I…L..LO..I….I LOVE YOU! I felt silly for not having done that sooner, but I promised no judgment.

Tuesday & Wednesday I started my mornings with the same tumultuous battle of tired body and hungry spirit…Spirit triumphed. I woke up with no judgment, just resolve. Pray – Mediate – Exercise – Love yourself and Repeat, pushing for that finish line of this part of my journey.

Nourish Nurture Sustain Build - Mother Milk

So what has having a loving pause in the mirror, a moment of meditation & prayer and a forced 40 minutes of sweat and tears done for me in the last couple of days? It has nourished my soul.

I lost my internet connection, I was yelled at and chastised and oh, my blog disappeared…My usual response to all of this would usually be to shut down and eat everything in sight. This time, I ate everything in sight, but didn't stop the forward progress. Starting my day with nourishing my soul with love and God and goodness seems to be the necessary medicine to keep me grounded. Taking in the world in with my third eye and spiritual mind. I Love me and i'm going to be okay.

Sunday, May 8, 2011


Dear moms,
I have just had a lovely Mother's Day. My son lovingly woke me up this morning with this single rose, bear and card. He followed that up with the deepest hug and a slew of "why I am so lucky to have you as my mom" sweet nothings. I was done. My heart was bursting. He even blogged about it...Seriously

He loves me unconditionally, wow! He loves me with every part of who he is and it is so beautiful and real. So why am I going on and on about this uninhibited show of affection from my child? I guess because I don't have this kind of love for myself. Yes, over the years, I've learned to "love me," but am still working on being in love with me. Loving me with zero inhibitions, blindly and completely unconditional.

The big blessing of this day is that I am one of the lucky ones. Besides the obvious roof over my head, food in my belly, employment, internet, free will etc..., I get to be told everyday that I am loved. I get to look into my sons eyes and see the mirror of the love I have for him reciprocated back to me. I look at him and see the me I want to be. Powerful stuff right? So powerful that for this next part of this journey to self, I am going to work on loving myself with no inhibitions and unconditionally. I am going to look at myself each morning and tell me why I love me. Why I deserve this love and Why I am blessed to know and love me.

Mother's Milk (Nourish, Nurture, Sustain & Build)

In this self love moment I will be doing my best to embrace a big part of strengthening my voice. The writing I do/have done has been nourishing in the journey through Mother's Milk, but self love is, I believe the nurturing part of my mother's milk journey. Does that make sense? I hope so. Post your thoughts and input please.

Oh and Happy Mother's Day, with love to from yourself to yourself...

Friday, May 6, 2011

The Journey to My Voice

Nourish, Nurture, Sustain, Build...Mother's Milk..

It has come to my attention that more often than not, women, mothers in particular have no idea the power they wield. We have no idea how our internal voice sounds. I realize that I am one of those women who has for so long disregarded my own power and strength and has lived in deafening silence for way to long. This month, I am on a journey to really connect with my inner strength and find my voice.

About 6 years ago, I came up with Mother's Milk after my son questioned who I was outside of being his mother. I was taken aback by his question because I could not answer it. That hurt me more than I could imagine. I lost myself on my journey and didn't realize it until my son unwittingly pointed it out to me. I asked other mothers the same question and was met with the same stunned silence that I had expressed to my son.
I asked a variety of mothers to write their mother stories. Why? Besides not knowing who they were, mothers also didn't feel that their personal stories to and through motherhood were nothing special. It's been a labor of love, but i was finally able to get 12 stories, including my own that are waiting to be published and serve a few purposes: 1. Give the mom's who wrote these stories a voice 2. Raise money for orphans in Zimbabwe 3. Inspire other mothers/women to embrace their voice. Great right?! The challenge - This mother (me) is working to strengthen her own voice.

So going back to the beginning of this entry, I am taking this month to strengthen my voice so I can make this book happen as well as other projects that will help mothers. Bear with me as i stumble through this. My goal is to write everyday. In my writing I will deal with how I am working to Nourish, Nurture, Sustain and Build my voice. So here I am with day one's entry.
Thanks for reading.