Friday, September 11, 2015


I feel like i've been on a really long writing hiatus...well because I guess I have.  If I could only string together every single word, sentence and single paragraph that I started & stopped over the past several months/year...Strung together to make some compelling, inspired thought.

That last paragraph has been as far as I've been able to get for months...So this is me pushing myself past paragraph one.  Here goes.

Persist - I've spent much of my adult life battling myself.  Against the doubt, the self sabotage when I got to close to FINALLY getting what I wanted, the fear of not being the right person to fulfill my "grandiose" dream.  I've battled year after, month, after day, after minute after second.  I battle(d).  As my thoughts linger on the time lost, at least that was part of the narrative that left/leaves the deepest wound...How could you waste so much time in a battle you created & fueled for the slow destruction of self when you've just spent so much time & energy building & fortifying that same self?  Every battle has required me to show up, even when I thought I was shutting down & giving up.  It has taken me a while to understand that i've actually survived.  I've survived & much to my own surprise, i've persisted.

Until -those moments between stopping & persistence...Two words riddled on the path of ones journey...two words that depend highly on your emotional & sometimes physical state of being. Motivation, pain, joy, sadness, depression, anxiousness, anger, fear, peace and love and so on.  One minute you writing a detailed to do list for the week; breaking down each number with bulleted details on how to fulfill your greatest purpose...every detail feeding that feeling of excitement and motivation because you know you are getting closer to your something, so you persist because its so close persist because you feel purvey your list with pride then suddenly an overwhelming feeling of fear sets in & stops every motivating emotion in their tracks.  Suddenly the self doubt and depression flood in.  Until, all of a sudden feels like a long and never ending journey to nowhere.  Until suddenly feels like a path of most resistance...Until persists and feels like nothing will ever happen.  So what do you do...You stop...stop because that is all you can do.  Stop and be still and pray and meditate and wait until...

Something - What is something?  A baby step, a leap, a breath, a pulse, a word, a sentence, a pause all equal something.  How do we realize our purpose?  Each step, each action, each forecasting thought, each moment you decide to look at that to do list and check another box off, you start to realize that something.  You are closer to that something.  That something that confirms for you in your mind that you are closer.  That something that sometimes takes you ten steps back to persisting until...

Happens - That vision and purpose is within reach.  What do you do?  Shut down? Freeze? Fall apart?  Realizing your purpose sometimes means realizing the weight of your purpose.  So instead of reaching for the ring, your body is weighed down by how seemingly heavy your head, heart, hands, arms, legs feet, body feel to move toward things finally happening.  So you PUSH & PUSH & PUSH & PUSH & PUSH because you have the strength, the tools, the energy, the vision, the ability, the chance to breath because you finally made it happen.

I P. U. S. Hed  and I finally strung together a healing and meaningful post.  

And so it is...

Thursday, June 18, 2015

In Honor Of The Black Excellence Of Mother Emmanuel AME Church

My heart is breaking much like so many other people in the wake of the horrible tragedy in Charlston.  Nine people died in the midst of prayer & reflection.  Died opening their hearts and doors to a very lost soul...
To The MEN 
who were the leaders and examples of excellence, The Honorable Rev. Clementa Pinckney (41)...Ashe Rev. Daniel Simmons Sr.(76)...Ashe - Tywanza Sanders (26)...Ashe.  
Thank you for showing us what it looks like to live an impeccable life.  Thank you for being the pride of the community. 

                                 To The WOMEN
The beautiful mama souls that were violently taken from us. Taking in the pictures, stories and words that loved ones have been sharing shows how these blessed women were the hugs, the love, the words of encouragement, the prayers, the glue, the sunday dinners, the only one who understood, the one who forgave, the consistency, the sustainers, the inspirers, the healing kisses, the love, the love, the love, the love, the love...  they have inspired me to be better, do better & definitely not give up.  I will be excellent because of you.  Thank you Sister Rev. Sharonda, Mother Cynthia, Mother Myra, Mother Ethel, Sister Rev. Depayne & Mother Susie

Sharonda Coleman-Singleton
A 45-year-old mother of three, reverend, and high school track coach, Sharonda Coleman-Singleton was killed while attending a prayer group at Emanuel AME Church.
Coleman-Singleton coached the girls track team at Goose Creek High School. The school remembered her Thursday with a post on its Facebook page.
Her cousin, Constance Kinder, told BuzzFeed News that Coleman-Singleton was a “beautiful spirit.”
“Sharonda was pretty on the outside and just as beautiful on the inside — the one thing I know for sure she loved the Lord so she was where she enjoyed being. She was only 45 years old, she still has three kids to raise.”
Kinder said that her Sharonda would always end a conversation or a text message with “love you cousin.”

In addition to her work with the high school, Coleman-Singleton was a reverend at Emanuel AME Church, according to their website.
Her son, Chris Singleton, posted on Twitter last night following the shooting

Cynthia Hurd

Cynthia Hurd, 54, worked at the public library for 31 years and was serving as the manager at St. Andrews Regional Library since 2011.
“Cynthia was a tireless servant of the community who spent her life helping residents, making sure they had every opportunity for an education and personal growth,” the CCPL said in a statement.
Elliott Summey, the chair of the Charleston County Council, said that the St. Andrews Regional Library would be named as the Cynthia Hurd Regional Library from this day as a “fitting honor” for someone who had spent 31 years there. “It’s the very least we can do for someone who was a true public servant,” he said at a press conference on Thursday.
The CCPL closed all 16 of its locations to honor Hurd and all the victims of the shooting.
“Her loss is incomprehensible,” the CCPL said.
Friends and co-workers described her as a “wonderful” and “lovely” person in comments on CCPL’s Facebook page.
Lee Ann Carter, who once volunteered at the library, wrote that Hurd “quickly became a friend and I am devastated to hear of her death.”
Her brother, Malcolm Graham, described her as “a woman of faith” in a statement Graham, a former state senator, told the Charlotte Observer that his sister would have turned 55 on Sunday.  
He said it was “typical” of her to be at the church on Sunday. He also fondly described her as a “nerd” who got a masters in library science from the University of South Carolina.
Hurd lived with her husband Steve in the east side of Charleston, the Charlotte Observer reported.   
Graham, who last saw his sister in May when she attended his daughter’s graduation, said she always acted like his mother. “She was the one who brought us closer,” Graham told the Charlotte Observer. “It’s so senseless. She didn’t deserve it.”

Myra Thompson

Myra Thompson, 59, was the wife of reverend Anthony Thomspon,  who is a vicar at Holy Trinity REC. 

Ethel Lee Lance

A 70-year-old sexton, who had worked at the church for more than 30 years.
“I’m lost, I’m lost,” her grandson Jon Quil Lance told the Post and Courier as he waited outside the trauma center of Medical University Hospital, where the victims were being treated. He said his granny was “the heart of the family.”
“She’s a Christian, hardworking; I could call my granny for anything. I don’t have anyone else like that,” he told the Post and Courier.

Rev. Depayne Middleton-Doctor

Depayne Middleton-Doctor, 49, was a minister was and mother of four daughters. She sang in the church’s choir and spoke at the pulpit with Rev. Pinckney, 

Susie Jackson

Susie Jackson, 87, was a member of the Eastern Light Chapter No. 360 Order of the Eastern Star, according to a community activist on Twitter.

"Her being at the church this late showed her commitment as far as being in a church environment," he said, adding that she was "very well-known around the church" and the neighborhood.


Sunday, May 10, 2015

A Conversation With My Son!

I hope you all have had a wonderful Mother's Day!
I just wanted to share a podcast that I had done with my son.  Please let me know your thoughts and I hope it inspires you to allow your child to interview you.

have a great Mother's Day!

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Just Needed A Moment

Damn the teenage years are hard!  First let me start by saying I have a pretty amazing kid.  He is funny, sweet, handsome, thoughtful, talented, loving, cool and so forth and so on...He's awesome!

But, back to my original thought, raising a teenager is so hard.  It's hard for me because i'm continually grappling with the good cop, bad cop.  Struggling because I've been  putting my foot down about so many things i'm finding that the soles of my feet are ache from the pressure.  Man I miss the toddler years when his wants, needs & discipline were simple and usually one dimensional.

I hate to use my single momma card, but i'm using it!  I am the total provider.  I am the one that makes things happen.  I am the one that has to make all the decisions from what's for breakfast to what high school to what the consequences should be when he steps way out of line, to figuring out what if a home remedy makes more sense than a doctor to where to find the motivation not to quit. Promise, i'm not whining...a ton, I just need to vent or maybe to remember that I have an amazing teenage boy who chose me to guide him through this journey.

He does amaze me...He also helps me to see amazing self.