Friday, May 27, 2011

The Handy Dandy Self-Sabotage Machine

It's been to long since i've written last, trust me I know. I'm sorry about that. Really sorry to myself for giving in again to my handy dandy self-sabotage machine. I call it handy because it is always ready and available to take me down. It starts with this back and forth conversation with myself which, lucky me, is replayed over and over again in my head. "You've been here before and it is way to hard for you to get past this part, you can't do this." I wish that I was making that up, but that is a real sentence; a real feeling; a real mental recording that has lodged itself in my memory bank causing a complete and utter battleground in my head!

I've prayed, meditated, gone to therapy about this amazing ability of mine to sabotage myself right when I am about to make an astounding breakthrough. I look at it, smile and then do my best to pour salt over it all. I come so close. So close the universe starts giving me motivating nuggets, like people around me wanting to help me or friends who have realized their accomplishments/dreams inviting me to celebrate their journeys all the while cheering me on. I've been so close so many times. So close it felt like a dewy morning, smelling the morning mist, feeling it on my skin, but as soon as the sun comes up, the dew disappears like it never existed elusive and tragic at times.

See how it sounds like a well oiled machine? Ready to work whenever I feel an ounce of confidence and self assurance. It knows when to turn on and exactly what buttons to push to shut me down. What bums me out is that I haven't completely blow this damn machine to bits! I know I am a smart and able minded individual, so what's the deal? Why do I keep running up against this machine?

I am posting this to expose the Self Sabotage Machine! Exposing it in the hopes of breaking it down. If I share my problem, it doesn't feel as insurmountable. If I share this in a different kind of way by writing it, I can take away it's least I hope I can.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Oprah Affect

These last few days, I've been as mesmerized and moved as Oprah has appeared to be, during the beautifully thought out presentation of the effects of the last 25 years of her life. Being praised and applauded over and over again simply because she answered her call to destiny. She stood speechless and humbled. Living her purpose had caused an indomitable ripple affect, a tidal wave of sorts, only incomprehensibly more massive.

On several occasions, she clutched her heart acknowledging that overwhelming emotion welling up inside her. Personally, I think it was God wrapping his arms around her and whispering "this was my vision for you. This is who I always knew you to be." Powerful!

All this got me thinking about my own purpose, power and legacy. No, my stage is no where near the size of Oprah's, but then once upon a time, Oprah's own stage paled in comparison to her stage now. The thing is, I was so moved by her ripple affect that it prompted me to want to cause my own or at least be more purposeful with it. Being a social human being, I know that I have affected some people who have crossed my path, and I also know those times I was most purposeful coincided with the times in my life that I was living with a sense of purpose and power feeding my legacy.

This seems to connect or confirm and connect some, if not all of my previous posts - Understand my power and embrace it, love myself flaws and all, keep it moving forward regardless of the twists and turns my relationships my take, build my bridge (stage) to success with my past failures and don't judge, but allow myself to let my hair down when I need to. I believe I am finally on the right track. I am inspired and have been affected by Oprah.

My mantra, besides me loving myself, is, quoting Tyler Perry as he spoke about Oprah at her celebration
"pushing her destiny to it's boundaries with the wind of God to her back!"
I am ready to finally create the "Ida Affect!"

Nourish Nurture Sustain & Build ~ Mother's Milk

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Thirtysomething & Hungover

Ugh..not the best way to start a post, but that is how i'm feeling. The issue is that I tied one on this past weekend and i'm still feeling the residual effects of the alcohol eating away at my liver. Yes, I am way over twentydumbthing and I should know better than to make such a rookie mistake of not eating well before indulging, but I got caught up in the moment. I got caught up in the uninhibited, let my hair down, feeling free because nobody was watching except for those folks whose hair I might be tripped on. I simply got caught up. So why my ugh? I guess because I feel like I wasted a day trying to recover from my rookie mistake am feeling like this journey I am on had a bit of a set back this weekend. I am human and although I might have been over-served, I was obviously in desperate need of a break a serious mental break and I took one, but at what cost? I think that is why I am stuck at UGH because I wasted a day trying to recover verses actually resting and feeding my mind body and soul what it really needed.

UGH! A little setback, a little twentydumbthing moment. Is it okay to have these moments at my age? To quote my mother "you chose to be a mother, you are not allowed to drink anymore!" Okay, I know that is extreme, she is my mother, she is supposed to be extreme, but is there an aspect what she is saying true? Am I not supposed to really not let my hair down or loose control and drop the ball because I am thirtysomething, a female or a mom? Is that why I am feeling so ugh, because I am not supposed to really loose control at this stage in my life?

What I do know right now is that between naps I was plagued with thoughts of things I should have been doing at those moments - cleaning, writing, researching, praying, exercising and so forth and so on and so on...I managed to clean a touch, pray a little and well, you are reading my writing. Maybe I need to stop punishing myself then. Maybe I need to actually accept that I had a great time and that binge drinking isn't a regular occurrence.

I am a thirty nine year old mom who had a few to many and it's okay. I will wake up in the morning and be very proud of my journey thus far and cheers to to the next uninhibited moment.

Nourish Nurture Sustain Build ~ Mother's Milk

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Failure is Not Final

Such a simple statement, yet so profound, life changing even. A simple statement a co worker of mine made while sharing a story about his son who, by the way was telling his dad how that simple statement he made to him years prior was what seemed to always bring him back to his center.

Failure is not final...So I get up everyday and do what I am supposed to do - wake up, shower, dress, make sure my kid is showered, dressed, fed and prepared for the day ahead, while I do the same for work. That is what i'm supposed to do. Yup, a run-on sentence that defines my day to day life of what is supposed to be. It's easy to do this daily dance because I am supposed to; the world expects it, so it is easy to fulfill. Failure is not really an option - I'm expected to work and be a mother. It's the responsible thing to do.

So let's discuss what I yearn to do, my personal expectations and make that simple statement...failure is not final...Why has getting to that finish line of projects A-Z been so elusive, so challenging? Why have I felt like every time God has given me some amazing gift to water and grow, I've let it die or given it away since God obviously made a mistake in choosing me for this journey, I obviously wasn't worthy of the gift? So I dropped the ball...Failed.

I have failed, over and over again. Failed because I felt unworthy, dumb, silly, terrified or simply didn't care. I failed. Let me take it even further, not only did I feel like I failed, but people around me that knew me and loved me saw my failures and confirmed my feelings with looks of "Oh Ida, why can't you just get it."

I am openly writing about this because I am embracing the idea that my failures have not been final. Truth be told, they have taken me deep into my head and heart exposing pieces of me that had long been stuffed down. My failures have brought me to my knees forcing me seek guidance from my higher strength. My failures have caused me to realize my worst critics, outside of myself, and my greatest supporters including myself. Hell, according to society my son was my most colossal failure. He was conceived out of wedlock therefore throwing me into the unredeemable black, single mom. Yet, this so called "failure" of mine has been the catalyst for so many successes in my life.

The fact is, my failures, I am starting to truly realize are far from final. My failures have been my stepping stones creating a bridge to my truest self.

Failure is not final...

Nourish Nurture Sustain & Build ~ Mother's Milk

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Friends & Other Revelations...

How to approach an old friendship with new eyes and heart has been a continuous challenge. This year has been particularly challenging. I have had multiple friendships change in dynamic. The change has not been negative as much as it has been painfully difficult.

So your question to me might be, why have some of your friendship's dynamics changed so much? I guess because I have changed. How I view myself is not the same and in-turn my role has been changed in those relationships, actually it has been turned on it's head. So now my very first sentence, I pose as a question. How do I approach my old friendships with new eyes and heart? This entry really doesn't have a problem/solution happening, but I guess I am hoping for support in hopes that I am doing the right thing.

I've heard that the road to self is a lonely one and boy have I had some lonely days, but I guess you can't move forward while looking backward, otherwise expect to trip and/or fall on your face, which, by the way, I have many scars and bruises on my face. Change is not easy. It's comfortable knowing what role you play in people's lives and visa versa, so when you decide to show up with changes to the script or actually decide to scrap the whole script it tends to cause a bit of trauma.

I don't want to loose friends, be traumatized or lonely, I just want to understand myself better. I want to love myself more. Why can't I just have my self love and success without having my world around me change? I guess that is part of building self - shaking up what I thought was solid foundation only to find out the material I have been using is not strong enough and/or I just might have needed another layer or two.

Nourish Nurture Sustain and Build ~ Mother's Milk

Thursday, May 12, 2011

There's No Looking Back...Right?

Good morning moms and friends,

Here I am a few days later stumbling through the process of learning to love myself…

Yup, I’m challenged, but pushing forward because I can’t look back, I don’t want to look back. This my friends, is to important. This is my chance to finally get to the other side of this fear and finally tear through the ribbon at the finish line, only to train for yet another journey, but I digress. It ain’t over till it’s over!

So let me tell you about my last couple of days of loving myself. I started Monday morning spending time with my snooze button. My tired body was in a tumultuous battle with my hungry spirit and sadly, the body won. Yes, that disappointment that just laid itself on your heart stayed present with me even after a very long and thorough shower. I lotioned myself and put on the intimates and then stopped...I thought back to the day before and the promise to love myself blindly, unconditionally and one that I did not write about - self Judgment.

Believe you/me, I had already had the “you’ve messed up again - It’s not in you -you aren’t worthy - typical of you" recording playing in my head. Well naturally the next most logical thing to do was face myself. I reluctantly approached my mirror. I fought to catch my own gaze. I discovered many new lines, freckles and hairstyle options all while avoiding my own gaze. Why was it so hard? Why was this such a challenge? I finally noticed the little freckle in the corner of my left eye forcing me to actually connect with own big brown eyes. I did it…but now I had to say the words, and mean them. What did I finally tell myself? What did I finally embrace? You are going to be just fine. Oh, by the way, I love how deep and penetrating your eyes are. I…L..LO..I….I LOVE YOU! I felt silly for not having done that sooner, but I promised no judgment.

Tuesday & Wednesday I started my mornings with the same tumultuous battle of tired body and hungry spirit…Spirit triumphed. I woke up with no judgment, just resolve. Pray – Mediate – Exercise – Love yourself and Repeat, pushing for that finish line of this part of my journey.

Nourish Nurture Sustain Build - Mother Milk

So what has having a loving pause in the mirror, a moment of meditation & prayer and a forced 40 minutes of sweat and tears done for me in the last couple of days? It has nourished my soul.

I lost my internet connection, I was yelled at and chastised and oh, my blog disappeared…My usual response to all of this would usually be to shut down and eat everything in sight. This time, I ate everything in sight, but didn't stop the forward progress. Starting my day with nourishing my soul with love and God and goodness seems to be the necessary medicine to keep me grounded. Taking in the world in with my third eye and spiritual mind. I Love me and i'm going to be okay.

Sunday, May 8, 2011


Dear moms,
I have just had a lovely Mother's Day. My son lovingly woke me up this morning with this single rose, bear and card. He followed that up with the deepest hug and a slew of "why I am so lucky to have you as my mom" sweet nothings. I was done. My heart was bursting. He even blogged about it...Seriously

He loves me unconditionally, wow! He loves me with every part of who he is and it is so beautiful and real. So why am I going on and on about this uninhibited show of affection from my child? I guess because I don't have this kind of love for myself. Yes, over the years, I've learned to "love me," but am still working on being in love with me. Loving me with zero inhibitions, blindly and completely unconditional.

The big blessing of this day is that I am one of the lucky ones. Besides the obvious roof over my head, food in my belly, employment, internet, free will etc..., I get to be told everyday that I am loved. I get to look into my sons eyes and see the mirror of the love I have for him reciprocated back to me. I look at him and see the me I want to be. Powerful stuff right? So powerful that for this next part of this journey to self, I am going to work on loving myself with no inhibitions and unconditionally. I am going to look at myself each morning and tell me why I love me. Why I deserve this love and Why I am blessed to know and love me.

Mother's Milk (Nourish, Nurture, Sustain & Build)

In this self love moment I will be doing my best to embrace a big part of strengthening my voice. The writing I do/have done has been nourishing in the journey through Mother's Milk, but self love is, I believe the nurturing part of my mother's milk journey. Does that make sense? I hope so. Post your thoughts and input please.

Oh and Happy Mother's Day, with love to from yourself to yourself...

Friday, May 6, 2011

The Journey to My Voice

Nourish, Nurture, Sustain, Build...Mother's Milk..

It has come to my attention that more often than not, women, mothers in particular have no idea the power they wield. We have no idea how our internal voice sounds. I realize that I am one of those women who has for so long disregarded my own power and strength and has lived in deafening silence for way to long. This month, I am on a journey to really connect with my inner strength and find my voice.

About 6 years ago, I came up with Mother's Milk after my son questioned who I was outside of being his mother. I was taken aback by his question because I could not answer it. That hurt me more than I could imagine. I lost myself on my journey and didn't realize it until my son unwittingly pointed it out to me. I asked other mothers the same question and was met with the same stunned silence that I had expressed to my son.
I asked a variety of mothers to write their mother stories. Why? Besides not knowing who they were, mothers also didn't feel that their personal stories to and through motherhood were nothing special. It's been a labor of love, but i was finally able to get 12 stories, including my own that are waiting to be published and serve a few purposes: 1. Give the mom's who wrote these stories a voice 2. Raise money for orphans in Zimbabwe 3. Inspire other mothers/women to embrace their voice. Great right?! The challenge - This mother (me) is working to strengthen her own voice.

So going back to the beginning of this entry, I am taking this month to strengthen my voice so I can make this book happen as well as other projects that will help mothers. Bear with me as i stumble through this. My goal is to write everyday. In my writing I will deal with how I am working to Nourish, Nurture, Sustain and Build my voice. So here I am with day one's entry.
Thanks for reading.