I am worthy. I...AM...WORTHY! Such a simple statement, yet it has taken me much of my life to realize this about myself. That previously mentioned sabotage machine that always seems to be fueled and ready at any given time, well besides fear, this machine is fueled by my lack of self worth. Occasional internal dialogue when I was particularly low: "Why are you pushing so hard?, it never works out for you, truth is, what makes you so special? You really aren't worthy of what you are working for."
Sorry, I didn't mean to take you so deep into my head, but it helps make the point and I'm not so lost or feeling that low anymore. I've come a very long way, but with any freshly healed wound, a wrong move or extra pressure can reopen it and healing has to start all over again. The upside of reopened wounds is that they are rarely as deep at they originally were because of the deep healing that has already taken place.
Okay, so let's get back to feeling worthy and the many challenges that come with it. Self worth is something that from birth needs to be nourished from birth. Letting a baby or child know how worthy of life it is by loving, hugging and kissing them and sacrificing for their well-being lays the foundation. Unfortunately, all the love and sacrifice that has been put into this little being to create a bubble of self worth can be instantly undone with one bad encounter which ends up having enough impact causing a lifelong affect.
I am worthy...I think, or at least that is what I want for myself is to be worthy of all these wants and desires that fill my being. How do I live up to these wants and desires? I guess I start by nourishing what has been starved by slowly nourishing my self worth. So, I just start from the top of the list, taking one want and desire at a time. Telling myself every step of the way that I am worthy, that God did pick the right person to fulfill this desire or want...me. I AM WORTHY!
Nourish Nurture Sustain Build ~ Mother's Milk
Monday, July 25, 2011
Layers and layers and layers and layers...peeling back one after another working like hell to get to the core. What i'm finding out is that the layers are less like onion layers and more like a globe of garlic having to peel each clove individually. As soon as you have handled the thin outer layer of an onion, you are at least able to have an overview of what is yet to come with not as many surprises. A Globe of garlic on the other hand requires a surprise in every clove. Perfect and full of flavor or bruised, dry and barely recognizable.
So when I wrote my last post proclaiming independence, I had just peeled the perfect clove. It symbolized the great change that I was going through. I was embracing the change. Life was on a real upswing. Breathe...then I felt strong enough to break off another clove anxiously but meticulously peeling off skin only to discover a rotting interior. I take my own advice from previous posts to stop, drop and pray...kinda. Meaning, I stopped (when it was time for bed, I closed my eyes thanked God for my day and fell asleep). So instead of refueling adequately to deal with the next clove, I was left open and vulnerable for a possible setback.
It's taken me a very long time to openly express myself through my written words and even longer to share them publicly. I am proud of this, but the setbacks can be a bit disorienting. Not sure if any of you have had these feelings of finally forging ahead and making ridiculous headway only to be dragged way back to a place you thought you handled once upon a time way back when. I think i've come to the conclusion that it is about going back in time to deal with the ick from the past that is embedded in your foundation stifling healthy growth, at least that is my assessment. All I can do is continue moving forward and arm myself with a more fertile solid foundation so I can continue to foster a healthy core or cloves.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Pardon my silence, I have been in the process of finding the road to my own personal independence...again. I think i'm frustrated because I keep making wrong turns. Going left when I should have gone right, making a u-turn when I should have trusted the direction I was going in the first place. This road continues to prove more and more challenging the more I start to realize my potential. The more I become uncomfortable with the status quo. The truth is, I've been spending a lot of time working on me so that we (my family & I) can live a bit more freely, more independently from the constraints of middle class bondage. I get that my struggle is not as tough as many, but man it still is really really really HARD at times. My unpaved occasionally rocky road is putting holes in my shoes, so the last couple weeks of this writing hiatus has been spent sitting at the merge of a fork in the road. Not doing anything, just being. Not thinking or lamenting, just stopping and accessing it all. Taking it all in. Taking off the blinders so I can really see my life for what it is or isn't at this time. So I stare at this fork in the road and am figuring out what direction is best to take to get me to the road leading to my fullest potential.
Just took a deep breath...I think it might just about time to stand up and keep it moving.
Happy Road to Independence...