BREAKING LOOSE FROM THE QUICKSAND

When you finally have the opportunity to climb out of the quicksand of your past & stand firmly on the ground that is your present...celebrate it!  Moira Rose (Yes, from Schitt's Creek).

I've spent this last week nursing a cold and emotionally navigating all that is overwhelming, new, out of my control, unfinished business, regret, consequences, death, financial loopdeloops & everything else that comes in a stew of living, mental health challenges & a topper of a planet or five in retrograde.  Needless to say, it's been quite the emotional adventurous week:)!  

I started it off on Sunday communing with my mother & my auntie who just passed a few weeks ago and then last week my sweet niece in Zambia had a baby and he didn't make it.  I don't think I realized how sad I was about my Auntie & my grand nephew until that Sunday morning...that day.  All the messaging I was receiving that morning/day was relenting to my heartache, releasing and renewing.  Whew, the tears on this Sunday were overflowing...My intuitive son called me...FaceTimed me to check in on me and let me know he was on his way over for a mommy hug after he spent his day working...I love this kid so much!  He somehow knew I needed loving human touch and most of all to be held & affirmed & that is what he did.

His hug gave me the boost I needed to go out and socially interact with the world which has been harder for me over this last year.  Outside & Ida has mainly been more of a working relationship verses anything social or aimless or exploring or energetically bumping up against other humans etc...I digress...This past Sunday, after getting the best & most loving & filling hug from my baby I jumped into my car & drove to the sacred space I like to meditate & pray and cry & connect with my mom because yes, I secretly released her ashes there because it was the place she was most at peace in the latter part of her life.  I'm just realizing I drove there the week before and fell to my knees & boohooed for my mom and Auntie.  It's such a sacred space. This Sunday, I arrived at my sacred space and encountered lots of other people feeling that same pull...way to many people so I left and found myself parked by a far Northside Chicago beach.  I walked to the pier and joined the collective of people taking in the last days of a Chicago summer night.  I sat on the side of the pier facing the city using the metal rope to support the weight of world & my arms as I listened to the waves and the muffled conversations around me that had nothing to do with me.  My earbuds reciting Brene Brown's gift of imperfections..chapters on cultivating self compassion, a resilient spirit, intuition, and trusting faith...I listened over and over again, till the words reached me...Love an audible book!  Although I was sitting alone, i felt so surrounded by a community of people and dogs & ducks & ants & trees & sand & such just being & not doing with that perfect backdrop of moon, water and city views, it was the perfect place to relent, release & renew.  

I walked away from that pier a whole lot lighter but heart still weighty and my senses still tender to the touch.  I got to my car and took a big first step of asking a friend for help.  I really suck at asking for help.  Like many women, I live by the suffer in silence code...I'm not great at silence & don't love suffering...and doing that alone (because suffering in silence code is isolating & VERY quiet) is no longer my ministry.  So I asked for help & I got it...Thus began my week of the universe obliging me by "helping" me sit still without guilt by giving me an awesome head cold.  

I was supposed to cuddle with a baby & support a mom at the latter part of this week but physically could not even consider supporting anyone else because it would be a danger to them & me.  So this week I spent resting & working on my business which truth be told I had been afraid to really dive into for the longest. I have been blessed over the years to work with so many families who've found me through friends, family, midwives & OBs i've worked with and so many other surprising ways.  I've been absolutely blessed.  The work I am blessed to do is incredibly fulfilling & also requires a whole lot from me.  I get to help with assisting new human energy into the world.  I get to hold space for birthing femmes and make sure they're voices are heard loud and clear.  I get to do that and have done that for so many yet I struggle to do it for myself.  Ask for help, advocate for myself, be the loudest voice for myself, receive love and praise and pampering because I deserve it.  

Being quiet and not speaking up has left me in what feels like an abyss of dreams, plans & even relationships deferred &/or self-sabotaged.  

Side-note...
Morton Salt Girl is my alter ego.  She usually shows up when i'm winning in anyway & I start having trouble accepting my worthiness of said winning spotlight.  Pouring a whole lotta salt on the good/the growth in my life. Goal...working on training that alter to only pour salt on actions, thoughts, things & people that are not worthy of my time & energy.  I also need to remember that life has kinda kicked my butt a bit & truthfully has made me gun shy with making BIG moves but the fire in my ever growing well fed belly won't let me sit still & i'm  finding that i'm less tolerant of the salt. 

I woke up this morning feeling my fire stoked by the women in Iran burning their hijabs in the streets protesting their rights to choose, the women in India protesting their choice to wear their hijabs, over the last months women protesting in the states for autonomy of their bodies; the femme activists who have been on the frontlines for years; the native/Indigenous femmes who hold the line between the ancestors and living fighting to protect the land; my fire was stoked by the many women in Puerto Rico whom I know are holding, healing & safely ushering in new light; My fire is stoked by the women I know who devour life daily. 

My last conversation today was with my sister/cousin in Zambia whose mom (my Auntie, my mother's youngest and last living sibling)passed away and barely 2 weeks later her daughter gives birth to a beautiful baby boy whose little spirit was only here to bless this earth for a few days.  My niece had a dream the night before she gave birth about her grandmother who just passed smiling at her and holding her baby.  She smiled at me when she told me that story.  Her eyes were in mourning but her smile held comfort because her grandmother had her baby.  The fire in my belly has been flamed because of the women in my family who have passed and who are here.  I see how life has been a tumultuous journey for them and they still produce the most beautiful smiles.  

My fire is stoked by the desire to freely travel and support my family on a whole other continent, my fire is stoked by laying deep roots honoring the past, holding the present and supporting the future. My fire is stoked by my God given purpose and that no other person can do exactly what I do.  I HAVE to use my voice.  I HAVE to fight against obstacles that creep up...not let them be an excuse to stop and sink into a dark place that does not serve me.  

So as this fire is stoked and my body continues to heal in preparation for the wild world that is requiring me to show up with the power of women who came before me.  To show up in a world where feminine energy is a Phoenix Rising ready to scorch this version of this existence/that quicksand of our past and screaming, howling, screeching from the depths of our fiery bellies into the femme empowered vision of our highest self.

May my Auntie & nephew be welcomed into the loving arms of my mother & the rest of our family & may they rest in eternal peace and continue to guide our Earth-side family.  And So It Is...

Inward Outward Forward ~ Anonymous Quote