MOTHER'S MILK WORLD

I am worthy.  I...AM...WORTHY!  Such a simple statement, yet it has taken me much of my life to realize this about myself.  That previously mentioned sabotage machine that always seems to be fueled and ready at any given time, well besides fear, this machine is fueled by my lack of self worth.  Occasional internal dialogue when I was particularly low: "Why are you pushing so hard?, it never works out for you, truth is, what makes you so special? You really aren't worthy of what you are working for." Sorry, I didn't mean to take you so deep into my head, but it helps make the point and I'm not so lost or feeling that low anymore.   I've come a very long way, but with any freshly healed wound, a wrong move or extra pressure can reopen it and healing has to start all over again.  The upside of reopened wounds is that they are rarely as deep at they originally were because of the deep healing that has already taken place. Okay, so let's get back to feeling...

Layers and layers and layers and layers...peeling back one after another working like hell to get to the core. What i'm finding out is that the layers are less like onion layers and more like a globe of garlic having to peel each clove individually. As soon as you have handled the thin outer layer of an onion, you are at least able to have an overview of what is yet to come with not as many surprises. A Globe of garlic on the other hand requires a surprise in every clove. Perfect and full of flavor or bruised, dry and barely recognizable. So when I wrote my last post proclaiming independence, I had just peeled the perfect clove. It symbolized the great change that I was going through. I was embracing the change. Life was on a real upswing. Breathe...then I felt strong enough to break off another clove anxiously but meticulously peeling off skin only to discover a rotting interior. I take my own advice from previous posts to stop, drop and pray...kinda. Meaning, I stopped (when it w...

Pardon my silence, I have been in the process of finding the road to my own personal independence...again. I think i'm frustrated because I keep making wrong turns. Going left when I should have gone right, making a u-turn when I should have trusted the direction I was going in the first place. This road continues to prove more and more challenging the more I start to realize my potential. The more I become uncomfortable with the status quo. The truth is, I've been spending a lot of time working on me so that we (my family & I) can live a bit more freely, more independently from the constraints of middle class bondage. I get that my struggle is not as tough as many, but man it still is really really really HARD at times. My unpaved occasionally rocky road is putting holes in my shoes, so the last couple weeks of this writing hiatus has been spent sitting at the merge of a fork in the road. Not doing anything, just being. Not thinking or lamenting, just stopping and...