Here I am stumbling through the process of learning to love myself…
Yup, I’m challenged, but pushing forward because I can’t look back, I don’t want to look back. This my friends, is so important. This is my chance to finally get through the fear and bust through the ribbon at the finish line, only to train for yet another journey. It ain’t over till it’s over! Loosing my mother has taken away a part of me that was unconditional love for me. The day she passed, that void of feeling loved purely and unconditionally without question of worthiness felt so vast and empty. Nothing could fill it up. I've hated how awful and lonely that has been/had been making me feel. So I've decided to do something about it. I decided to find a way to fill that empty space with self love. Face to void and fill it!
So let me tell you about my last couple of days of loving myself. I started out my Sunday morning spending time with my snooze button. My tired body was in a tumultuous battle with my hungry spirit and sadly, the body won. Yes, that disappointment that just laid itself on my heart and stayed present with me even after a very long and thorough shower. As I applied lotion to myself and put on my intimates; I stopped and stared into that space between void and feelings convincing myself not to step deep into the void but embrace my feelings, my pain, my joy, my pride, my sense of accomplishment, my feelings...I thought back to the day before when I promised to love myself blindly, unconditionally and without self Judgment. I sat in judgement of myself and found myself entrenched in the void.
I told myself that I was ok, but without skipping a beat, the“you’ve messed up again - It’s not in you -you aren’t worthy -"so typical of you" recording started playing in my head. I listened to this mantra and allowed it to disrupt the flow of good energy I was feeling from my five minutes of prayer and meditation from the day before.
But the interesting thing this time is the self depricating self talk pissed me off enough for me to want to face myself. I reluctantly approached my mirror. I fought myself extremely hard to catch my own gaze. I discovered many new lines on my face, counted fading freckles and experimented with new hairstyle options all to avoid my own gaze. Why was it so damn hard? Why was this such a challenge to face me? It was a strategically placed freckle in the corner of my left eye that forced my eyes to catch themselves in the mirror...my own big brown anxious, yet disarming eyes. Now that I had my own attention, what would I finally tell myself? What would I finally embrace? I guess simply that I was going to be just fine. Maybe even stare long enough to admire how much I loved how deep and penetrating my eyes were. Even to have the courage to look into my own eyes and say I…L..LO..I….I LOVE YOU! It totally felt silly for not having done that sooner, but I promised no judgment.
Monday morning, I started with the same tumultuous battle of tired body and hungry spirit, but this time spirit was a bit stronger and triumphed. I woke up with no judgment, just resolve. Pray – Mediate – Exercise – Love yourself and Repeat... pushing toward the next phase of this journey. The deeper, more realized part of my journey.
Tuesday will be another new day and on this new day, I will look in the mirror again and remind myself of my journey thus far, say something kind to myself and keep it moving...forward.
I love me...even in those moments when the words are merely words...I will continue you to say it until the words are the truth in that moment.
Mirror Mirror On The Wall Who is The Most Present One Of All...me
Nourish Nurture Sustain Build - Mother Milk