MOTHER'S MILK WORLD

I am worthy.  I...AM...WORTHY!  Such a simple statement, yet it has taken me much of my life to realize this about myself.  That previously mentioned sabotage machine that always seems to be fueled and ready at any given time, well besides fear, this machine is fueled by my lack of self worth.  Occasional internal dialogue when I was particularly low: "Why are you pushing so hard?, it never works out for you, truth is, what makes you so special? You really aren't worthy of what you are working for." Sorry, I didn't mean to take you so deep into my head, but it helps make the point and I'm not so lost or feeling that low anymore.   I've come a very long way, but with any freshly healed wound, a wrong move or extra pressure can reopen it and healing has to start all over again.  The upside of reopened wounds is that they are rarely as deep at they originally were because of the deep healing that has already taken place. Okay, so let's get back to feeling...

Layers and layers and layers and layers...peeling back one after another working like hell to get to the core. What i'm finding out is that the layers are less like onion layers and more like a globe of garlic having to peel each clove individually. As soon as you have handled the thin outer layer of an onion, you are at least able to have an overview of what is yet to come with not as many surprises. A Globe of garlic on the other hand requires a surprise in every clove. Perfect and full of flavor or bruised, dry and barely recognizable. So when I wrote my last post proclaiming independence, I had just peeled the perfect clove. It symbolized the great change that I was going through. I was embracing the change. Life was on a real upswing. Breathe...then I felt strong enough to break off another clove anxiously but meticulously peeling off skin only to discover a rotting interior. I take my own advice from previous posts to stop, drop and pray...kinda. Meaning, I stopped (when it w...

Pardon my silence, I have been in the process of finding the road to my own personal independence...again. I think i'm frustrated because I keep making wrong turns. Going left when I should have gone right, making a u-turn when I should have trusted the direction I was going in the first place. This road continues to prove more and more challenging the more I start to realize my potential. The more I become uncomfortable with the status quo. The truth is, I've been spending a lot of time working on me so that we (my family & I) can live a bit more freely, more independently from the constraints of middle class bondage. I get that my struggle is not as tough as many, but man it still is really really really HARD at times. My unpaved occasionally rocky road is putting holes in my shoes, so the last couple weeks of this writing hiatus has been spent sitting at the merge of a fork in the road. Not doing anything, just being. Not thinking or lamenting, just stopping and...

I feel like so many things have been coming my way like rapid fire. I think that is what happens with growth, the Universe realizes you can handle things and decides to gift you with all sorts of exciting and new projects. The funny thing about these projects is that when you are feeling strong enough to carry the weight of the world, you can knock out your to do list 2 to 3 tasks at a time feeling fueled by the completion of it all. So what do you do when the weight becomes to heavy to bear? Well, some people drop it and others carry it until it almost takes them out. Either way, certain things end up falling through the cracks or lost in the shuffle and chaos ensues. Chaos because all those little things although small can form a funnel cloud of details that can destroy every little bit of work that you had already done. Scary! Put down the weight even if it feels like it's making you stronger, and create your process so you avoid the chaos. What does that look like for...

Looking through my files, I've found multiple folders in varying colors all containing pages upon pages of yellowing paper welcoming me to be a part of something that I chose to be a part of. Whether it be a new job, an elite group, health club or some credit card, I would receive a step by step instructional packet of what I could should expect from being one of the chosen few to reap the benefits. "Welcome to our state of the art health club!" "Thank you for being a team player with The BEST Agency, please read on to understand your role." "Welcome to insert credit card company name here, read on to get a more complete picture of our membership rules...don't forget the small print and oh, here is an 800 number you can call to get an answer or any and all of your questions." Well, for the last twenty plus years, I have been looking all over the place for my welcome to life packet or better yet, welcome to adulthood, or welcome to motherhood or...

Today is another successful day. Today I am spiritually grounded and my feeling of love is palpable. Today I do above and beyond my own expectations. Today is good...I am connected to everything and everyone. I am love. I can love fully and understand the meaning of it all. Actually, I'm not sure if I completely understand the meaning of love, but I do love, I can love. God, squeeze my hand when I walk, so I may walk courageously through this day. I have so many behind me, there is no reason to feel less than anything but loved. Stellar! Feel loved today, feel courageous today, feel supported today! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

Good evening folks. I am full of all sorts of emotion as usual, but feeling more solid. My emotions feel like they are like strings on a guitar, they need tuning- tightening, loosening, changing, strumming. They snap when played to aggressively and fray from over usage. There are a few key things that can ensure the strings are getting the best possible usage, care however you want to think of it...The guitar itself should be solid, sturdy and in all around good condition; the owner, caretaker, player should have a full understanding of the ins and outs of the guitar as a whole as well as a loving connection. A few posts prior I spoke of waking up in the AM and loving on myself, and connecting with my spiritual center with prayer and meditation. I noticed, on the days when I consecutively connected and loved on me first thing in the AM, I felt strong, centered and in harmony with my emotional carriage. I fell off the morning spiritual love me fest and found myself completely out o...