It's been to long since i've written last, trust me I know. I'm sorry about that. Really sorry to myself for giving in again to my handy dandy self-sabotage machine. I call it handy because it is always ready and available to take me down. It starts with this back and forth conversation with myself which, lucky me, is replayed over and over again in my head. "You've been here before and it is way to hard for you to get past this part, you can't do this." I wish that I was making that up, but that is a real sentence; a real feeling; a real mental recording that has lodged itself in my memory bank causing a complete and utter battleground in my head!
I've prayed, meditated, gone to therapy about this amazing ability of mine to sabotage myself right when I am about to make an astounding breakthrough. I look at it, smile and then do my best to pour salt over it all. I come so close. So close the universe starts giving me motivating nuggets, like people around me wanting to help me or friends who have realized their accomplishments/dreams inviting me to celebrate their journeys all the while cheering me on. I've been so close so many times. So close it felt like a dewy morning, smelling the morning mist, feeling it on my skin, but as soon as the sun comes up, the dew disappears like it never existed elusive and tragic at times.
See how it sounds like a well oiled machine? Ready to work whenever I feel an ounce of confidence and self assurance. It knows when to turn on and exactly what buttons to push to shut me down. What bums me out is that I haven't completely blow this damn machine to bits! I know I am a smart and able minded individual, so what's the deal? Why do I keep running up against this machine?
I am posting this to expose the Self Sabotage Machine! Exposing it in the hopes of breaking it down. If I share my problem, it doesn't feel as insurmountable. If I share this in a different kind of way by writing it, I can take away it's power...at least I hope I can.
Self sabotage! A feeling I have well acquainted with! Always in limbo, waiting to become someone! Its difficult to live in the shadow of who I could be, when I am not sure who I am. I am so focused on the path ahead and what it may yield, I have stopped looking at the path I am on! I know what I need to do, look down at the path I am on and slowly move the pebbles that are tripping me and preventing me from moving forward. I am a cheerleader by nature, I love to see people rise because of my encouragement.... maybe that's my role, maybe my purpose is guidance, leading others on their paths. The question now is how do I embrace my purpose? How do I avoid self sabotage? HELP!!!
ReplyDeleteWow sis, I guess we share more than just DNA. So being an avid cheerleader myself, I am obviously going to give you advice that I kind of paid attention to myself, but it did help me find my purpose. I remember this thought and feeling of not knowing what I was put here to do. What started helping me was my morning unedited writing, prayer and meditation. Sounds simple, but dedicating time to yourself to understand yourself more is the trick. You have to convince yourself of that. Love you sis. Thank you for sharing
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